Yeah it’s that simple.
Because I can still breathe and still function. But also because by me being alive, it helps the people who care about me feel their lives suck less. It sounds condescending but its actually not. It’s because I matter to my family that I am still alive. Because frankly without them I wouldn’t be alive (better off dead).
I struggle with depression and sometimes it gets near to impossible to feel like I matter enough to keep on living. Since I don’t take antidepressants anymore, I have do deal with the crap cold-turkey from everything (even alcohol). It doesn’t make sense because there aren’t any reasons for me to hate myself, yet I still do. Because the brain is good at making you your worst enemy.
Long ago, I had a shitty ass life (poverty, illness and more drama) and tried to fill my emptiness wishing to own things that defined consumerism. Then my life changed as I moved away from my childhood place and worked hard to make things better. I even went on a shopping binge: lots of different kinds of food, clothes, electronics, etc. I began to enjoy the fruits of how living in a prosperous environment was truly like. The binge was gone as soon as good people came into my life and actually gave a damn about me. I started to want less and less until all I craved was just to enjoy the company of good people with good food.
That is what I crave the most. I keep getting asked what I want for my birthday and Christmas and I just draw a blank because I don’t want any gifts. I’d never thought I would get to that point, but I have. And frankly, I wanted more than just good company with good people: I want those good people to alive and healthy, so that I can spend as much time with them as possible.
I am thankful the people I love the most are still alive. When the people you love the most begin to fade away from Earth, that’s when you start questioning whether to go on or not. Because it sucks living life alone.
During the past two weeks, the brief season of fall disappeared under a thick, cold blanket of white fluffiness.
So much fluffiness that it has made it near to impossible to walk down the trail near our place. In short, this has caused the following problem:
regular snow fall + below freezing temperatures = bad driving conditions
So I started relying more on walking and using public transportation to get to places.
And its making me stay indoors more.
I walked to the post office yesterday to mail a birthday gift to my grandmother. It wasn’t too bad if it weren’t for almost getting frostbite on my chin (stupid noob mistake 😦 ). By the time I got back to my place, I was exhausted. This confused me because there were no hills and my walking speed was slow (had to be careful not to slip and fall on ice).
Cutie gets irritated because I don’t want to go outdoors much, but this is my first Canadian winter. Hell the winters in the South were super-tame in comparison: they were short and low on snow.
I honestly want to punch anyone who begins to sing “Let it snow”. Or “White Christmas”.
I will be spending Christmas with my family in the tropics defrosting.
Can’t wait :).
Maybe I shouldn’t have been taken aback by this. After all, I should not take it personally because it is just business.
But even in a professional environment, the old rule of checking who your recipient is before sending an email still stands true.
Because you never know how fast the recipient will loose respect for the sender.
I received this in my inbox and was just irritated:
We are currently getting ramped up for the busy season and we are looking for Specialists, Clerks, and Data Entry Personnel . Should you know any of these professionals who are available immediately; you will qualify for a $50 gift card if the candidate is placed on a job for a minimum of 40 hours. It’s a great time to claim your prize, as Christmas is just around the corner! Make sure the candidate gives us your name so we can follow up with your reward.
I politely responded back to the HR manager (whom I had the pleasure of meeting) that I would gladly refer myself and save their company the $50 dollars. Since I am available NOW.
This sort of thing just makes the job hunt more frustrating.
Have you ever received these kinds of emails?
In my previous post DIY Alcohol…sure why not? I made the bold attempt to make my own alcohol.
I made two batches: one plain, the other mixed with apples.
After filtering out the dead yeast, I tasted the plain batch. It didn’t taste so well.
The batch mixed with apples was kept in the fridge for an extra week, as the apples fermented in the sugar wine, giving it a few bubbles. Cutie and I took a few sips and loved the fact that it did not taste like apple cider, but actual apple wine.
I agreed that by putting non-citrus fruits in the sugar wine gave it a pleasant taste. No yeast aftertaste whatsoever.
The alcohol taste was still there, although a little stronger (which is FINE by me! Hee Hee).
If you are considering making your own sugar wine, be wary that the final product will be cloudy, as I did not have a carbon filter to use.
Below is a picture of my glass that will be refilled pretty soon..:)
One of my liberal friends posted an article that I agreed with. It’s a few months old, but it does a great job to criticize people who look down on welfare recipients. If you want to read the article here’s the link to it:
I agreed with the article because I used to be a recipient.
I never collected it, but my parents did. And they didn’t want to. At one point, my parents were unemployed and were doing everything in their power to keep up with the bills. It didn’t help that jobs are (and still) scarce and they had to keep putting food on the table for my brother and I to eat. On top of this, we had just survived a flood that ruined our house and washed away a lot of our belongings (and ruined our only means of transportation). We were lucky we got off of welfare after both of my parents got jobs. But it sucked because of the excessive scrutiny and the red tape my parents had to go through not only to qualify, but to be able to keep receiving a few dollars for food.
I actually got angry when the US Government implemented the reduction in SNAP benefits to the poor this month. $36 less per month does make a difference between having a few vital ingredients to make a healthy home cooked meal and something from China that can taste as good as an MRE:
Let me clarify that I do not support people fraudulently using the system. Hell, the problem is not the welfare, but the lack of monitoring and enforcing the existing laws to prevent and stop abuse. If (and if) a huge percentage of people who abuse the system are doing so illegally, then the same criticizing idiots should report their asses and have the abusers’ benefits taken away.
But I am not going to sink down to the levels of idiots who bash a safety net that everyone hopes would still be available should hard times arrive.
The idiots who bash welfare have never used it. And I envy them only because they have never gone through hard times.
I hope Karma screws them hard.