Just thankful to be alive

Yeah it’s that simple.

Because I can still breathe and still function. But also because by me being alive, it helps the people who care about me feel their lives suck less. It sounds condescending but its actually not.  It’s because I matter to my family that I am still alive. Because frankly without them I wouldn’t be alive (better off dead).

I struggle with depression and sometimes it gets near to impossible to feel like I matter enough to keep on living.  Since I don’t take antidepressants anymore, I have do deal with the crap cold-turkey from everything (even alcohol).  It doesn’t make sense because there aren’t any reasons for me to hate myself, yet I still do. Because the brain is good at making you your worst enemy.

Long ago, I had a shitty ass life (poverty, illness and more drama) and tried to fill my emptiness wishing to own things that defined consumerism. Then my life changed as I moved away from my childhood place and worked hard to make things better. I even went on a shopping binge: lots of different kinds of food, clothes, electronics, etc. I began to enjoy the fruits of how living in a prosperous environment was truly like.  The binge was gone as soon as good people came into my life and actually gave a damn about me.  I started to want less and less until all I craved was just to enjoy the company of good people with good food.

That is what I crave the most. I keep getting asked what I want for my birthday and Christmas and I just draw a blank because I don’t want any gifts.  I’d never thought I would get to that point, but I have.  And frankly, I wanted more than just good company with good people: I want those good people to alive and healthy,  so that I can spend as much time with them as possible.

I am thankful the people I love the most are still alive.  When the people you love the most begin to fade away from Earth, that’s when you start questioning whether to go on or not. Because it sucks living life alone.

life

 

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2 comments

  1. save. spend. splurge. · November 29, 2013

    Best post yet.

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