Screaming in the Closet-Rants

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This anxiety thing is starting to mess with my head.

I woke up yesterday wanting to get rid of some of my belongings by donating them to the Salvation Army. I finally did that and I felt so much better.

But after I felt that “release”, every time I looked at my closet, I just wanted to scream. Scream at it because there is so much stuff in there. It is like I have forgotten how much crap I own and the sight of it hits my face, whip-lash style.

I have been getting these “screaming moments” more and more. Cutie has had to convince me for the 11th time that I don’t have a lot of stuff and there is no need to donate anything. He said this is what is called “general anxiety”. Which is a bummer.

None of if makes sense

It doesn’t make sense. I would be fine, then I would see something or be around someone and it would set me off into this “screaming moment”. I already asked my therapist to put in a request for me to see an actual psychiatrist for medication, but she warned me it could take months. It would be quicker for me to go to my General Practitioner and ask for meds, but the danger in that is 1) high possibility of over-medication and 2) high possibility of being prescribed the wrong medication because he is not a specialist. If I wanted to be a medical guinea pig, I can go to the university and sign up as one. At least the university would pay me (sorta?).

The Work Fairy/Luck/Whatever Has Blessed Everyone Except Me

This may sound ridiculous, but there has to be more than luck and hard work that is needed to land a job in this area.

Seriously. A friend of mine got FIRED a month ago because he asked his supervisor why she was being a bitch.  This has happened in spite of him consuming these like Skittles:

zanax

The following month, he decided to enroll in university, then got a job at the university’s bookstore, in spite of last month’s fiasco. In a perfect world, a lack of professionalism and decor would have buried this man’s job prospects in the entire state. But this isn’t a perfect world or even a perfect state. Hell this has happened in spite of living in a state that is allergic to unionization. So he must have blown the Work Fairy for that job because I certainly would not have hired him for anything, in spite of him being a “hard-worker”.

I have been torn between getting a part time job (and risk lowering my GPA) or just to focus on raising my GPA so that I can get an internship somewhere. Whether I can get an internship this semester, it will depend on this year’s career fair.

apathy_mcs

 

 

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Leveled up

Another justified hiatus, spurned by necessity. The necessity to learn more than I thought I could.

An Unexpected Triumph:

I survived university level Calculus. This is the kind of math that will make you cry or quit. 8 weeks of classes combined with 8 hours of daily, frustrating homework, tests, tutoring, etc. The only skills I was able to leave with was the Fundamental Theorem of Calculus and how to take the area of my cat.

The Costs of Leveling Up

So this is how much the nightmare cost:

Summer School Ouch

I think I overpaid for a class that was HELL to take. It was taught by a nearly senile old man who 1) stank like dirty diapers 2) would constantly forget what he was writing on the board and 3) did not correct anything on time. Visiting him during office hours was HELL because the stench would make you forget all of your questions. I was SO thankful that I did not had to re-take that class.

Learning How to Make My Own Kitch

Cutie introduced me to this program called Blender. This program will enable you to do 3D animation, 3D modeling and 3D printing. I am using it to learn how to make my own 3D models, then print them into game pieces for my board games or how to make my own kitch. There aren’t enough cat themed kitchen items so I’ve decided to start by making my own PLA wine charms:

NappingKittyWineGlassCharm1

Best part about this program: It’s FREE!!

The Worst Part: Not easy to use. You can’t directly 3d print from Blender. But you can use a slicing program that is also FREE called Slic3r (which requires a lot of tweaking!).

I have no clue if this type of skill set will be useful in the Computer Science field. But I am going to add it as part of my skill set because it is satisfying to design and print out your own prototypes.

Grinding Teeth

In order to become a better person, I’ve been going to therapy and following the advice from my therapist. It has been a mixed bag. Not impressed. I am still trying to control my anxiety. My depression has improved since I finished that god-awful class. The fact that I am in school is giving me hope for the future.  I also did not quit coffee because it is my elixir used to reboot my brain in the mornings. I do not feel ashamed about admitting this. My mood would be sour ALL DAY LONG and I would be sapped of energy if I do not drink coffee in the morning.